I fell in love with my rapist, part 2

I guess I’m not the only one who continued to sleep with my rapist and fall in love with him. There’s no shortage of articles on the subject.

I Cheated on My Boyfriend with My Rapist

70 percent of rapes are committed by someone known to the victim.

I did know my rapist. In fact, I thought of him as an older brother, someone who looked out for me. He was looking, alright, just not after my well-being.

My Insane Relationship With A Rapist

In Sasha’s car, safely headed back to NYC, my sorrow turned into defiant rage as I refused to speak with him the entire 4-hour car ride home. No matter how many times he engaged me, I refused to answer. Certain he sensed my intense upset, Sasha finally apologized as we approached NYC.

I, too, gave my rapist the silent treatment after the fact. He, too, apologized. Well, he wasn’t apologizing while he was raping me, was he? My feelings weren’t a factor when he was taking what he wanted.

Consenting In Hindsight: Why I Continued to Sleep With My Rapist

You can’t consent in hindsight, and no amount of sex—consensual, amazing, mind-blowing sex—you have with your rapist will erase your sexual assault.

No matter how great the sex became and how much the relationship deepened, I always joked with him that he still raped me. The rape was a reality that couldn’t be undone, something he couldn’t take back.

Sometimes You Make Your Rapist Breakfast

Sometimes when I said no and he kept going, it was okay. I mean, I was okay. I mean, I didn’t cry or anything. It wasn’t that bad. Sometimes I said no, and he kept going, and I… left. I mean, my body stayed, but the rest of me went floating up and to the right.

I know women who have said yes after being worn down all night, over and over. You can only push a man off you so many times. You can only say “not now, no thanks, I don’t want to” so many ways. I, too, have had sex I didn’t want because sex was the least bad option. Sex was a known variable.

Even years into the relationship, I was that woman. Why can’t men just accept and respect that no, even from the women they claim to love?

And why did I stay in that relationship? “Stockholm syndrome” was what I jokingly answered when asked about it previously, kind of like this 20-year-old who said she would support a legal appeal against her rapist’s 17-year jail sentence.

I haven’t spent enough time and energy to figure out why exactly. Do I even want to? I’m sure it’s slightly different for everybody. People on Quora offer some ideas:

Why am I in love with a person who raped me?

His abuse of you might have left you, not only with the love you had, but with a need for him to undo what he did. Realizing he can’t and won’t do that, is a hard and painful thing to accept.

Of course he couldn’t undo what he did, but he made promises and I thought he needed me. I thought I was good for him, that I could change him. But I couldn’t, and he wasn’t good for me.

I fell in love with my rapist. What should I do?

So leave the relationship immediately and find someone who cherishes and respects you. This person doesn’t love you.

This I agree with wholeheartedly. I was with this guy for almost 7 years after he initially raped me. It wasn’t an easy relationship. I didn’t have the courage to leave. But one day, he just disappeared. And I was given back my freedom.